If you are like me, this is a hard concept to grasp. I used to think that the older I got the less desirable everyone would think me. That by the time I reclaimed my life I would be a dried up old prune that no one would want. Every year I found myself buried in even heavier armor because I was too afraid to put myself out there and face rejection again.
I went into the Army just after my eighteenth birthday. I spent the first year of that in training and tentatively exploring the new parent free life I was living. When I got to my duty station, I would go out but I tended to take a while to warm up to people and I felt like I have always been an old soul. I think it was because of the huge generational gap in my family and spending most of my childhood surrounded by adults. After only two years of enjoying life, I found myself married and then, as is the nature of the Army, on my own for more than half of that time. He went to Germany and I stayed in Texas for eight months until I could move. I welcomed Summer into the world three years after we were married. My life kind of fell apart after that. The donor was around, but not in least bit interested in helping me with our daughter. Then the incident occurred and I found myself pregnant again. I discharged from the service and brought myself and Summer back to the states to have a better birth experience and to have my parent's help. It was a very good thing. It was only eighteen months after the birth of Summer that I welcomed Mollee to the world. From that day it has always been the three of us. The donor has never met Mollee, in fact I received a nice "Dear Sydney" letter from him two months after giving birth. Apparently he had another family in Germany that he was leaving us and the Army (going AWOL was okay with him I guess) for, didn't that make me feel old and like the worst kind of idiot that I didn't see that one coming at all.
Between the trauma in my life, leaving the military, and finding myself abandoned with two beautiful babies, my twenties went by in the blink of an eye. I was constantly in survival mode. It took me two years to get divorced, it's kind of hard to do when he is AWOL and not in the country. I used the GI bill to get a quick degree in a well paying career in the medical field. I raised the girls while going to school, working nights as a temp, then being hired by the hospital and working nights for them until I was able to change my schedule. I made sure I did my externship at a hospital in the Baltimore area and then, with some help, I was able to get a better paying job there. Before I knew it my twenties were gone.
My thirties have not been much better. I was struggling to give my girls a good life, worried over my boss threatening my job on a daily basis, and my parents moved in with me to help them out financially and to help my mom take care of my dad with his slow onset of dementia. I felt like my life was passing me by. The older I got the less joy I found in it. I felt like I had no chance at a future. My girls would leave to live their lives and I would still be stuck in the rut of my existence.
It was during my lowest time that the right people began to enter into my life. Their good will and energy set me on the path to start the "Me Initiative". Because of them I realized that age is relative and you are really only as old as you feel. Especially my new boss, Cathy is super energetic, she is very active in her community and seems to have an abundance of go power and just an over all zest for life. Her friendship has really set me on the path to a better version of me. Without her coming into my life, I might have never found the me buried under all of that armor.
Now I find myself with even more energy than I had when I was younger. I look forward to each day and the trials it will bring. I laugh with my daughters, we go do things together and I make time for my friends. I am constantly joking with the girls that forty-two is the new twenty. When my youngest graduates, in three years, I will have just turned forty-two and I am looking forward to it. I will have met my goals in the "Me Initiative" and be open to anything the world brings my way.
I was very scared of the upcoming deadline for a long time. Just the thought of being alone in this world and trapped in my armor and circumstances made me cringe and the tension pile up on me. Now I am ready and able to embrace my new life as an empty nester. I will be able to move if I want, finally get my dream job and hopefully even my dream man. I will still be able to enjoy the times I have with my girls and the free time I will have without them. I no longer feel like I will be spending the rest of my life alone. Everyday I feel younger that the day before. I am open to the path I am traveling on and the new people and experiences I will encounter along the way. I have faith that the right people will continue to cross my path and we will enjoy each other and each age of life as it comes.
How do you see your age?
Are you getting older or younger as the years go by?
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