The biggest battle in the "Me Initiative" has been with my perception of myself. I knew going into this that I needed to rebuild myself from the ground up. In order to make a lasting change I had to work on my mental and emotional vision of myself as well as my physical body. I know that the attempts I made in the past didn't last because I never addressed the underlying issues. I did not give myself my own unyielding support. So as I came across a bump in the road I was back to where I had been before and in most cases even further back.
This time I knew that I wanted the changes to last. I am ready to discover the real me. To accomplish that I knew that I had to really look at the way I saw myself. It is not very flattering, but this is what I thought of myself almost two years ago at the beginning of my journey.
Before the "Me Initiative" - I saw myself as Quiet, reserved, trying to avoid being noticed, would talk if spoken to but didn't seek out conversation, nervous, lazy, giving, loyal, and caring.
Looking at it now, I can see that being quiet and reserved was part of my armor. If I didn't seek out conversation then I didn't have to worry about rejection. It is really kind of setting yourself up to be rejected without any of the effort. I think I was nervous because I was worried that someone would see what I had so carefully hidden. They might have seen that what was on the surface was a carefully built illusion and draw attention to me. I don't know why I ever thought I was lazy. I have a full time job, work part time for three dance schools, designed and created my own line of products and have been the only parent of two beautiful girls. The lazy I thought I was, was really just me being tired. Since 1996, I have been up at 3am and gone to bed after 9:30pm. That is roughly six or less hours of sleep a night. I'm sure most would be tired and then add on the extra weight and all of the self-doubt and recriminations and a person just stays tired. I am glad to see that I at least felt a few kind thoughts of myself. I am very giving, I try to give dance scholarships every year, I give back to the police officers in our community, and I volunteer my time as much as possible. I am very loyal to the people I consider my friends. I give them my all, giving of my time and funds freely if they need it. That is why it hurts so badly when I have found out my loyalty was misplaced. I am a very caring person, I feel for everyone I have come across. I would willingly give the shirt off my back if it was the last thing I had and someone needed it. This quality makes it very hard for me to tell others no. Even if it is detrimental to my well being.
As the next step in the "Me Initiative", I asked some of my friends to describe me. I was very shocked at how they viewed me, how had they seen this side of myself that I completely missed? But then I realized that these were people I had slowly let see the real me. I'm not sure when it happened, but it is good to know that they were able to get under my armor. I have hope that more people will get in now that my armor is coming off. Here are some of their descriptions:
SL - "Focused. You tend to set a goal and work your ass off to follow it through, no matter what curve balls life throws at you. When things get tough, you get tougher because you have your eyes on the prize"
SS - "Confident, strong, artistic, talented, generous (with time and money), devoted mother, real friend!"
AJ - "Thoughtful, driven, positive, chatty (hee hee), talented"
BV - "Hard working, dependable, fun, honest, caring, giving to those you feel are in need"
SG - "Indomitable; hard working; loving; wise; dedicated; kind; devoted; funny; honest; an inspiration"
Now, I can look at myself critically and see all of those qualities. I can also see that I am a very interactive person. I love to talk with people; kids, old, young, guys, girls, I enjoy them all. I love to see what matters to them and to share what matters to me. I'm extremely happy when I am surrounded by a steady stream of different people, but I also need some quite time. An hour on my balcony with a good book is more than enough to recharge me for another day. I love to be outside and especially on the water. I love to be active, hiking, fishing, rollerblading, swimming, boating and so many more activities. I love cheering for my sports teams and my favorite fighters. I love going to car shows and bike weeks and there is nothing better than crawling under a car working on the engine. (I guess the Army got my MOS right. :-) ) I enjoy spending time with my girls and I love teaching them to support those in the community, both those in need and the ones who are doing their best to protect and serve as well as fighting fires.
Now that I have uncovered my real personality, I can't imagine ever going back to the way I have been the last fifteen years. This is the first time in my life that I feel like myself. I am happy with the me I am and every aspect I uncover makes me happier.
What do you think of yourself?
What do your friends think of you?
Has your view of yourself changed?
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